The things they don't tell you, the good the bad the ugly. I promised transparency when I started this and well I started it to help myself get things of my chest and not be so hard headed..... that second part isn't working so well. Everybody tells you that it's going to be tough. Losing somebody always is. What has been strange and somewhat tough for me has been finding out all the little things that I miss having dad around for. I mean I knew I'd miss seeing him play with my daughter, I knew Is miss talking to him on the phone or calling him and talking about wrestling or the weather or whatever he'd want to talk about as he sat out in his garage in his favorite chair waiting for Mom to get home from work. But the thing nobody told me is how much you miss things you never knew you would miss. 
     You just take so much for granted that you never knew you loved until it's gone. I knew it would be tough on the birthday's and the holiday's and the big events that we marked on our calendars every year. I knew i'd miss the weekends or afternoons spent just sitting around talking about nothing and everything. I knew I would miss stuff like that but I never thought that I would miss calling Dad and telling him about the girl I'm seeing. Telling him about how much I know he'd like her. I  never thought I would miss calling him when it turned out that he was right about something just so he could laugh and refuse to say "I told you so" even though it was plastered all over his body language. 
     Theres no handbook to how you grieve. It is way more challenging than I ever thought it would be. It's going the whole night with no sleep because you're playing an argument you had with each other over and over again. Wishing you could go back and sit yourself down and say you're going to regret this, you're going to wish you could just have another simple conversation with him. They didn't tell me that I would find myself on a treadmill at 1 AM trying to exhaust myself to calm my mind and sleep. They didn't tell me that it would just randomly hit me like wrecking ball colliding into a rundown building. 
     The things they don't tell you are some of the toughest things to get through. Mainly because the things I've found, aren't the same as yours and the list never stops growing. It is something new every single day, and every single day you figure it out step by step again. Some people grieve and they remember nothing but bad and they only think of how much it sucks right now in this moment. Don't get me wrong I have done my fair share of that. But now I try and focus on being grateful for the time I had with him, and it took realizing that he can still hear me, I just might not be able to hear him. I send my conversations up to him daily and I'm sure he laughs and says I'm a nut when I do something stupid. But thats kinda the beauty in it, I know he's still watching. 
     We learn daily what our new life is. We build and we build and we keep punching away. As the great Rocky Balboa said "It ain't about how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." So that's what I'm going to continue to do, keep my head down and keeping punching, keep pushing forward. Whatever life has to throw at me, I'll get through. I was prepared by the best. But there will be days, there will be days that its crippling, and nights that its haunting. Thats the things they don't tell you, life is gonna knock you down. Brush the dirt off throw a smile on and say bring it. 

     Here we are again. Full clarity, I lost my laptops charger but at the same time, life happens so here we are. I still really need to work on how I start these things out and get them going but until then I hope you struggle through the rigid awkwardness that is my blog!
     Since we talked last there has been some major events and milestones passed! A huge one is that I am once again blessed to call myself a state champ. Now I know how this looks, 24 year old has been athlete still clinging to titles. Its more than that, this one was one of the coolest experiences I have ever been a part of. Enka High School Wrestling had one of our programs finest years, Conference Tournament Champions, Regional Tournament Champions, a heart breaking State Dual Team Runner-up, and last but most certainly not least.....3A North Carolina State Tournament Champions. The season was amazing and stressful and gut wrenching and heart breaking but oh man was it worth it that weekend in Greensboro. Seeing those kids that I've watched grow into men these past two seasons, go out there and fight for each other. To see a senior leader have his dreams fall short and walk off the mat for the last time, then less than an hour after see him sitting in the stands cheering his team on. Theres nothing like it. To see a sophomore lead from the front, not with words but with actions, and pull an upset that sparked a fire when it was needed most. Theres nothing like it. To see a senior that pours his whole heart into every practice, every drill, every sprint, every weight cut, everything. To see him reach his goals and ride off into the sunset as a State Champion. There is nothing like it. 
     The state tournament is always filled with ups and downs. It has been some of my greatest memories and some of my worst memories. Believe it or not, I use the bad ones way more than the good ones. Its pretty normal to be walking the halls of the Greensboro coliseum and seeing athletes tucked away in corners crying during the state tournament. Sometimes happy tears, normally more sad. The realization of a life long dream coming true or the crushing blow of realizing that dream isn't going to come true. Thoughts of "I'll get it next year" or thoughts of "Was that my last match ever?" Every athlete has this moment, and if you sit down and talk to them they can probably tell you every detail of that last game, match, play, tournament, that last memory.
     It's normal to see these high school athletes tucked away and emotional. It's a little odd to see a coach tucked away in the tunnels of the Coliseum. This year I cried more tears than I ever had at the tournament. The weekend was a whirlwind of emotions, anxiety, nervousness, impatience, defeat, victory, remorse, and a whole lot of pride. Proud of our kids and the team they turned out to be, proud of the legacy my dad left behind. The entire weekend was full of " I am sorry for your loss." "How're you and your family doing?" "Your Dad was a great man." Each one genuine and each one much appreciated, but each one cutting a little more and more until I finally had to duck away and cry like I was the high school senior that just lost his last match. I felt mad at myself for letting that come out and mad that I was taking my concentration off of our athletes. But it finally hit me as I sat tucked away in the tunnels, My dad left a mark that I can only pray to one day come close to. It was almost like I felt a hand on my shoulder and the pain and tears went away. There was nothing like it. Our team took the lead and ran with it. I'll never forget being in the warm-up room and having that small celebration with the coaches that felt more like family when we found out we had clinched the title. All I could think of was "Man how damn proud would you be?" Then it hit me, he was proud. He was in that coliseum watching My brother and I compete like he always had. 
     We went to Greensboro with a goal, a task , and we left as champions. Our kids earned it, it was given to us and we didn't let someone take it from us. We were State Champs, and you guessed it......THERE IS NOTHING LIKE IT.