I have sat and read post after post after post about what happened this week in America. I want to write this as a human being, a man and lastly as a law enforcement officer.  I want to lead this with extending my thoughts and my deepest prayers to the family and the friends of George Floyd. This is uncharted territory for me writing about something like this, really uncharted territory even talking about it. I don't know how to talk about it and really even how to approach it other than  bluntly, honestly, and straight forward.
     I need to take a very important moment and say this, the men and women I work with are first class professionals. The department I work for holds our deputies to the highest of standards and expects nothing less than professionalism.  I am blessed to have the career that I do and to work for the department I do. 
      With that being said, what happened this week in America was heartbreaking, seeing the videos, seeing the posts, seeing the hurt, all of it. Heartbreaking is the only way I can describe it. I don't have any other words for it. Silence isn't the answer for what is going on though. Ignoring it isn't what we need either. My voice may be small but its a voice. I've watched the videos numerous times and it hurts every time. I am not here to nitpick tactics of other officers and "Monday morning quarterback". I'm not here for that because there is no need. What was done was wrong. It goes against what every officer is trained to do before they even begin their career. It was unethical, it goes against the oath that I swore the day I got my badge. It goes against the reason I chose to get into law enforcement, to help people, to be a difference in someones life one day. That's why most of us get into law enforcement, to help someone. To help anyone we can. Notice I said most of us. I can't speak for the others and why they chose this career path and I won't even attempt to. I spoke earlier about the men and women I work with being first class, I mean that. I work beside some of the most selfless and caring individuals you could ever meet. They do things that they know they will never receive the recognition they deserve without batting a eye. They jump at the first opportunity to help someone. They say goodbye to their families everyday not knowing what awaits them on their next shift. They see the good, the bad, and the ugly. They see people at their worst moments and they search for the best in them.  There are hundreds and thousands and millions of other officers that do their job on a daily basis the same way. We swore to serve and protect you, and we need to do better. It is as simple as that, we need to do better. We need to continue to set the example for everyone else. It starts with the person in the mirror. We need to always remember why we chose this profession. Not to have power, not to have control, but to help the people that need us. 
     Now don't confuse this as a plea to forget what has happened, never forget that. But at what point do we decide as a society, to do something? Hear my simple request..... Retaliate. Yes you read that correctly, a cop told you to retaliate. But retaliate in one simple fashion, out of love. Find something and do it. If we allow hatred to take over then we will only revert back to our history. Our country is hurting, and it should be."This is America", that's something that I've been seeing in post after post. Mocking the fact that this is what our country has fallen to. Is this the America we want? America filled with Hatred? America filled with Racism? America filled with Violence? This isn't what the many people before us fought for, this is not what people suffered for. It's clear what is happening, so clear that if you don't see it, you are CHOOSING not to. We need to change, we need to accept the fact that the issues are here and they are as evident as they have ever been. We need to accept that, but we should refuse to settle for that. We are in unprecedented times right now... how could there ever be a better time to change everything? 
     It's time we fix it. I tend to leave my posts with a challenge, my challenge to you right now, and yes it sounds corny but maybe its what we need. My challenge is to take this pain, take the anger, take the sadness and refuse to let it take over. Love each other. If you see wrong doing, start the conversation. If you can help somebody, don't standby and watch, help them. "Be the change you wish to see in the world". Set the example, don't look for others to do it. 
     "This is America" lets make it Our America. 
     

     
     

     The things they don't tell you, the good the bad the ugly. I promised transparency when I started this and well I started it to help myself get things of my chest and not be so hard headed..... that second part isn't working so well. Everybody tells you that it's going to be tough. Losing somebody always is. What has been strange and somewhat tough for me has been finding out all the little things that I miss having dad around for. I mean I knew I'd miss seeing him play with my daughter, I knew Is miss talking to him on the phone or calling him and talking about wrestling or the weather or whatever he'd want to talk about as he sat out in his garage in his favorite chair waiting for Mom to get home from work. But the thing nobody told me is how much you miss things you never knew you would miss. 
     You just take so much for granted that you never knew you loved until it's gone. I knew it would be tough on the birthday's and the holiday's and the big events that we marked on our calendars every year. I knew i'd miss the weekends or afternoons spent just sitting around talking about nothing and everything. I knew I would miss stuff like that but I never thought that I would miss calling Dad and telling him about the girl I'm seeing. Telling him about how much I know he'd like her. I  never thought I would miss calling him when it turned out that he was right about something just so he could laugh and refuse to say "I told you so" even though it was plastered all over his body language. 
     Theres no handbook to how you grieve. It is way more challenging than I ever thought it would be. It's going the whole night with no sleep because you're playing an argument you had with each other over and over again. Wishing you could go back and sit yourself down and say you're going to regret this, you're going to wish you could just have another simple conversation with him. They didn't tell me that I would find myself on a treadmill at 1 AM trying to exhaust myself to calm my mind and sleep. They didn't tell me that it would just randomly hit me like wrecking ball colliding into a rundown building. 
     The things they don't tell you are some of the toughest things to get through. Mainly because the things I've found, aren't the same as yours and the list never stops growing. It is something new every single day, and every single day you figure it out step by step again. Some people grieve and they remember nothing but bad and they only think of how much it sucks right now in this moment. Don't get me wrong I have done my fair share of that. But now I try and focus on being grateful for the time I had with him, and it took realizing that he can still hear me, I just might not be able to hear him. I send my conversations up to him daily and I'm sure he laughs and says I'm a nut when I do something stupid. But thats kinda the beauty in it, I know he's still watching. 
     We learn daily what our new life is. We build and we build and we keep punching away. As the great Rocky Balboa said "It ain't about how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward." So that's what I'm going to continue to do, keep my head down and keeping punching, keep pushing forward. Whatever life has to throw at me, I'll get through. I was prepared by the best. But there will be days, there will be days that its crippling, and nights that its haunting. Thats the things they don't tell you, life is gonna knock you down. Brush the dirt off throw a smile on and say bring it. 

     Here we are again. Full clarity, I lost my laptops charger but at the same time, life happens so here we are. I still really need to work on how I start these things out and get them going but until then I hope you struggle through the rigid awkwardness that is my blog!
     Since we talked last there has been some major events and milestones passed! A huge one is that I am once again blessed to call myself a state champ. Now I know how this looks, 24 year old has been athlete still clinging to titles. Its more than that, this one was one of the coolest experiences I have ever been a part of. Enka High School Wrestling had one of our programs finest years, Conference Tournament Champions, Regional Tournament Champions, a heart breaking State Dual Team Runner-up, and last but most certainly not least.....3A North Carolina State Tournament Champions. The season was amazing and stressful and gut wrenching and heart breaking but oh man was it worth it that weekend in Greensboro. Seeing those kids that I've watched grow into men these past two seasons, go out there and fight for each other. To see a senior leader have his dreams fall short and walk off the mat for the last time, then less than an hour after see him sitting in the stands cheering his team on. Theres nothing like it. To see a sophomore lead from the front, not with words but with actions, and pull an upset that sparked a fire when it was needed most. Theres nothing like it. To see a senior that pours his whole heart into every practice, every drill, every sprint, every weight cut, everything. To see him reach his goals and ride off into the sunset as a State Champion. There is nothing like it. 
     The state tournament is always filled with ups and downs. It has been some of my greatest memories and some of my worst memories. Believe it or not, I use the bad ones way more than the good ones. Its pretty normal to be walking the halls of the Greensboro coliseum and seeing athletes tucked away in corners crying during the state tournament. Sometimes happy tears, normally more sad. The realization of a life long dream coming true or the crushing blow of realizing that dream isn't going to come true. Thoughts of "I'll get it next year" or thoughts of "Was that my last match ever?" Every athlete has this moment, and if you sit down and talk to them they can probably tell you every detail of that last game, match, play, tournament, that last memory.
     It's normal to see these high school athletes tucked away and emotional. It's a little odd to see a coach tucked away in the tunnels of the Coliseum. This year I cried more tears than I ever had at the tournament. The weekend was a whirlwind of emotions, anxiety, nervousness, impatience, defeat, victory, remorse, and a whole lot of pride. Proud of our kids and the team they turned out to be, proud of the legacy my dad left behind. The entire weekend was full of " I am sorry for your loss." "How're you and your family doing?" "Your Dad was a great man." Each one genuine and each one much appreciated, but each one cutting a little more and more until I finally had to duck away and cry like I was the high school senior that just lost his last match. I felt mad at myself for letting that come out and mad that I was taking my concentration off of our athletes. But it finally hit me as I sat tucked away in the tunnels, My dad left a mark that I can only pray to one day come close to. It was almost like I felt a hand on my shoulder and the pain and tears went away. There was nothing like it. Our team took the lead and ran with it. I'll never forget being in the warm-up room and having that small celebration with the coaches that felt more like family when we found out we had clinched the title. All I could think of was "Man how damn proud would you be?" Then it hit me, he was proud. He was in that coliseum watching My brother and I compete like he always had. 
     We went to Greensboro with a goal, a task , and we left as champions. Our kids earned it, it was given to us and we didn't let someone take it from us. We were State Champs, and you guessed it......THERE IS NOTHING LIKE IT. 

So this is pretty far out of my comfort zone, I normally deal with things differently and in my own ways. I have tried for seven weeks now to do it my way, and it still just isn't really working out. I have read a few different "Blogs" and seen different kinds and I have thought to myself no way I would ever do that, no one would want to read what I thought. Then I read one about a brother losing his brother, and it hit me. It isn't for if someone else wants to read it or cares what you think. It's a way to let the tons of emotions we as humans have just trapped inside of us. I didn't know if I would be good at it and quite frankly I still don't, but I' going to give this a go. 

Seven weeks ago everything changed, the lives of my family changed in a matter of moments. "He won't pull through this." The words of a doctor standing over my father in an emergency room on a Monday night in December. Five words. Five words was all that it took to send my world into a spiral. I dropped to my knees and cried harder than I have ever cried, I hurt more than I knew I could ever hurt. I listened to the sobs of my family. All I could ask was Why? Why now? Why him? Why us? People say it's normal to ask those questions, other people say we shouldn't. I try not to ask those questions because I do believe there is a plan thats greater than all of us that each and every one of us fit perfectly within. I cried my tears and punched the floors of that emergency room until I couldn't feel my knuckles anymore (I know, not my smartest moment). I tried and tried to remember the happiest moments I had with Dad to try and stop myself from crying anymore and stop myself from being sad. But the hardest thing was that no matter how happy of a memory I thought of, it only brought more tears to my eyes knowing I wouldn't have another one. 

I'm going to change gears for a minute and just talk about my dad. Daniel Robert Hoy Sr. was the strongest most dedicated man I have ever met. We fought day after day, people joked and said it was because we were the same person. Then that was a joke that would be thrown around normally by my mom during or after an argument trying to calm the situation down. What was once a joke, I realize is now the biggest compliment I could ever receive.  Dad worked harder than anyone I know, and demanded the same from his children. I can't tell you how many times I dreaded getting into his red truck after a football practice in Huntersville, NC because I knew I let another lineman beat me in sprints at the end of practice, or how many car rides back from Bandys High School from wrestling club practice that started silent until I heard is famous "huff" and he began to jump on me about going live with the group of kids that would be easier rather than putting myself with the older group to push myself. At the time I thought he was just being mean and that he enjoyed yelling at me. Little did I know he saw what I could be as an athlete, but what I cherish even more, is the lessons that he was teaching me beyond athletics. He wanted me to become a man. He wanted me to push myself out of any comfort zone if it meant I would be stronger from it, He wanted me to lose with dignity and respect (something that if you know me he had to drill into me all the way through high school), He wanted me to win humbly and figure out what I could do better for next time.

I remember time and time again before every match I would step on the mat and find Dad in the stands, and it never failed, he would always point to his head put his finger on his temple and mouth the word Focus. Dad taught me lessons through sports that I catch myself teaching my athletes now. I catch myself using the same phrases and sayings and I often catch myself thinking "Oh this is why he was so frustrated when I would pull this crap." and I can never help but to laugh. My highest highs and my lowest lows he was always there. I somehow was lucky enough to have that.

Dad was the greatest father anyone could ever ask for. But holy cow that didn't even hold a candle to how great of a Papa he was. My little girl adored her Papa. He loved her relentlessly and could never ever get enough of her. I remember my last conversation with him, he told me just how excited her was to hold his little "puddin". She is three, she still talks about him and asks about him and thats one of the hardest things that I have had to deal with. 

I don't really know how to end this, as I am typing this I know it won't be last. Just remembering him and the good and the bad and realizing the things that he did for me, Things that he is still giving me now, it feels good. I think I am going to change gears one last time, and take just a minute and say THANK YOU. Thank you to every single person that was a part of Dad's life, thank you to every person that made him smile or gave him a memory that he could hold on to. Thank you to the people that reached out and continue to reach out to check on myself and most importantly my family, there are not enough words for me to tell you how incredibly thankful I am for all of you. 

To anyone dealing with pain, going through tough times that sometimes you stop and think you don't know if you can make it through it. The sun will rise in the morning, the pain may be there but so are we. We live to fight another day, we live to fight and fight and fight until we win this battle and we break the pain. Seize each day and win it.

Dad I love you and miss you more than anything, Thank you for what you have made me and thank you for what you gave me. The blueprint to being the best dad.